alcohol in home

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indiceatt

alcohol in home

Postby indiceatt » Tue Feb 06, 2007 5:51 pm

My husband taught me the Faith before we got married. We had a Baha'i wedding 25 years ago. We are isolated Baha'is and have never been very active. I could feel my husband drifting away from the Faith several years ago. A year ago, he finally admitted to me that he had been drinking for a couple of years and didn't feel he was a Baha'i anymore. I feel sad that my partner is no longer a Baha'i but it is his choice, of course.

I am having a great deal of trouble dealing with having alcohol in my home. I am grieving over the loss of my sanctuary of an alcohol-free home and yet feel that it is my husband's decision to choose when/where he drinks. I fear that I am being intolerant when it comes to his drinking. At other times, I feel upset that he doesn't respect my feelings about alcohol in our home.

Advice anyone? Thanks in advance.

Jo

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Postby Zazaban » Tue Feb 06, 2007 6:37 pm

It depends how he's drinking. Some people can be very responsible drinkers, but others are alcoholics and need to get some help. Which one is he?
Justice and equity are twin Guardians that watch over men. From them are revealed such blessed and perspicuous words as are the cause of the well-being of the world and the protection of the nations.
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Postby Baha'i Warrior » Tue Feb 06, 2007 6:45 pm

Dear Jo:

It's good to see a new user on the forum! :smile: This is an important question that you bring up, as undoubtably there are other Baha'is who deal with the same kind of problem.

Maybe you should have a candid talk with your husband and see what made him drift away from the Faith in the first place, and start drinking. There might be a correlation between the two. There must be something troubling him, and if you can pinpoint what that is, the alcohol issue may be resolved. But if that doesn't work and he wants to continue drinking, then I think you at least have a say where/when he drinks (you don't mention if you have children, because that would also be an important factor).

You can also point out in your discussion with him the dangers that have now been established in even moderate alcohol (beer, wine) consumption. First of all, the American Heart Association's position—in considering the existing research on alcohol—states:

    How alcohol or wine affects cardiovascular risk merits further research, but right now the American Heart Association does not recommend drinking wine or any other form of alcohol to gain these potential benefits. The AHA does recommend that to reduce your risk you should talk to your doctor about lowering your cholesterol and blood pressure, controlling your weight, getting enough exercise and following a healthy diet. There is no scientific proof that drinking wine or any other alcoholic beverage can replace these conventional measures.

    (American Heart Association, "Alcohol, Wine and Cardiovascular Disease," par. 5)

Also, a Johns Hopkins study found that both excessive and moderate alcohol consumption were positively correlated with loss of brain volume after each drink:

"In accordance with the CHS, the present study found a positive association between alcohol intake and brain atrophy" (Stroke, 2004; 35, p. 4)

And they found, among others, these brain regions to atrophy:

    In general, both ventricular and sulcal size increased with increasing alcohol intake among men, women, whites, and blacks. The distribution of adjusted mean ventricular size among subgroups corresponded to that for sulcal size. Excluding those with MRI infarction reduced the white matter, ventricular, and sulcal grades, but the aforementioned patterns remained.

And they conclude with a very direct statement:

    While chronic alcohol abuse has been associated with loss of brain volume, especially in the frontal lobes, the results from the CHS and the present study further suggest that even moderate alcohol intake is associated with brain atrophy. Brain atrophy may be associated with lower cognition and upper and lower extremity function. (pp. 5–6)


One thing you can do with this information is point out to your husband that Baha'u'llah didn't say (from an untranslated tablet, referring to wine), "We have taken the cure out of this medicine," for nothing—He could see with His omnipotent knowledge that not only are there no health benefits associated with alcohol consumption, but there are many very adverse side effects. Apart from the Writings that are already translated, there are many (unfortunately) untranslated Writings from 'Abdu'l-Baha where He talks about how utterly destructive alcohol consumption is. For example, one thing He says that had an impression on me (I'm paraphrasing) is that wine turns the most learned of men into ignorant children (I'd have to check the quote again, but it's basically that).

We say we believe in the harmony of science and religion, and we do. Not only is science beginning to see that alcohol has more destructive effects than the supposed beneficent ones (there is no justification for drinking wine which has the antioxidant resveratrol when you can just as easily get it in grape juice, without the added neuron-killing ethanol). So we can see that not only are Laws given to us for our spiritual health, but also for our physical health. Indeed, it is apparent to the reader of the Kitab-i-Aqdas how even the smallest thing (like a stain on a shirt or the smell of perfume) can affect the spirit (either in negative or positive way), then how much more so alcohol?

indiceatt

Postby indiceatt » Tue Feb 06, 2007 6:59 pm

"It depends how he's drinking. Some people can be very responsible drinkers, but others are alcoholics and need to get some help. Which one is he?"

I don't think he is an alcoholic (he was on the road 225 days last year so I can only tell you what I see when he is home). He mostly has just one beer or one glass of wine in an evening; if there is someone else drinking with him, he generally drinks more. I always drive if he has anything to drink. But again, I'm not sure about his habits when he is away from home. He has a brother who is an alcoholic (has lost his driver's license and has spent time in jail) so that worries me. He knows I don't like it when he drinks, so he sometimes appears to be hiding his drinking (has it in a coffee cup later in the evening or something similar) but he could be just sparing me the upset of seeing him drink.

Part of my concern is how I learn to accept his choice gracefully without ruining the harmony in our home.

Jo

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Postby Zazaban » Tue Feb 06, 2007 7:08 pm

You should ask him how much he drinks.
Justice and equity are twin Guardians that watch over men. From them are revealed such blessed and perspicuous words as are the cause of the well-being of the world and the protection of the nations.

~ Bahá'u'lláh

indiceatt

Postby indiceatt » Tue Feb 06, 2007 7:25 pm

"Maybe you should have a candid talk with your husband and see what made him drift away from the Faith in the first place, and start drinking. There might be a correlation between the two."

He was not "inspired" by reading the Writings each day. He is always investigating new spiritual avenues. The one that I think was the beginning of the move away from Baha'i was his investigation into and involvement in The Course in Miracles. Now he says that he thinks that Baha'u'llah was a spiritual person but not a Messenger from God. I wonder sometimes if he didn't just want to drink and felt he had "not be Baha'i" so he could do it.

"There must be something troubling him, and if you can pinpoint what that is, the alcohol issue may be resolved. But if that doesn't work and he wants to continue drinking, then I think you at least have a say where/when he drinks (you don't mention if you have children, because that would also be an important factor)."

Our children are grown. I asked recently (because he away from home more than half the year) that he not drink during his first night home. He has done that for me so far. He knows that I would prefer he not drink around me at all and especially at home - but he feels it is his right to choose what he does in his own home. I don't feel comfortable just telling him that he can't drink at home.

"You can also point out in your discussion with him the dangers that have now been established in even moderate alcohol (beer, wine) consumption."

I am aware of the AHA position that you quote (. . . the American Heart Association does not recommend drinking wine or any other form of alcohol to gain these potential benefits.). He (like others I've discussed it with) chooses to only believe the old "a glass of wine a day is good for your heart" that they used to say.

I wasn't aware of the John Hopkins study( ". . . both excessive and moderate alcohol consumption were positively correlated with loss of brain volume after each drink"). I will read up on that. Thank you!

"One thing you can do with this information is point out to your husband that Baha'u'llah didn't say (from an untranslated tablet, referring to wine), "We have taken the cure out of this medicine," for nothing—He could see with His omnipotent knowledge that not only are there no health benefits associated with alcohol consumption, but there are many very adverse side effects. Apart from the Writings that are already translated, there are many (unfortunately) untranslated Writings from 'Abdu'l-Baha where He talks about how utterly destructive alcohol consumption is. For example, one thing He says that had an impression on me (I'm paraphrasing) is that wine turns the most learned of men into ignorant children (I'd have to check the quote again, but it's basically that)."

I don't think quoting Baha'u'llah will move him since he has decided to believe that He was just a spiritual person but nothing beyond that. It is sad to watch him being affected by the alcohol (only noticeable if he has more than one drink). Even before I became a Baha'i, I was uncomfortable being around people who drank, especially to excess. It even harder watching my spouse drink even though he rarely drinks to excess.

"We say we believe in the harmony of science and religion, and we do. Not only is science beginning to see that alcohol has more destructive effects than the supposed beneficent ones (there is no justification for drinking wine which has the antioxidant resveratrol when you can just as easily get it in grape juice, without the added neuron-killing ethanol). So we can see that not only are Laws given to us for our spiritual health, but also for our physical health. Indeed, it is apparent to the reader of the Kitab-i-Aqdas how even the smallest thing (like a stain on a shirt or the smell of perfume) can affect the spirit (either in negative or positive way), then how much more so alcohol?"

I totally agree with you!

Thank you for your thoughtful reponse and detailed comments. I really appreciate it!

Jo

indiceatt

Postby indiceatt » Tue Feb 06, 2007 7:32 pm

"You should ask him how much he drinks."

Well, actually I have asked him. He claims to drink only occasionally. But since he doesn't think he drinks often at home and I think he does, I'm not sure how often "occasionally" is.

Jo

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Postby Zazaban » Tue Feb 06, 2007 7:40 pm

Jo wrote:"You should ask him how much he drinks."

Well, actually I have asked him. He claims to drink only occasionally. But since he doesn't think he drinks often at home and I think he does, I'm not sure how often "occasionally" is.

Jo
Then you should try for a more specific answer. Get something statistical or of that sort.
Justice and equity are twin Guardians that watch over men. From them are revealed such blessed and perspicuous words as are the cause of the well-being of the world and the protection of the nations.

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Postby Baha'i Warrior » Wed Feb 07, 2007 1:50 am

Jo:

You said: "We had a Baha'i wedding 25 years ago. We are isolated Baha'is and have never been very active. I could feel my husband drifting away from the Faith several years ago."

I don't know, do you think not being active Baha'is had any effect? Just from my own experience, for instance back in high school, whenever I didn't go to Feasts, bad things would happen like I'd start to have some negative attitudes toward professors (and that never helped my grade any!) Whereas regularly attending feasts, firesides, sunday school, conferences, etc., always had, and has, a rejuvenating effect. Personally I think it's part of the "Baha'i experience" to attend these meetings and events, and for me it's hard to stay "spiritual" (not that I ever am) during long periods of absence.

Even though you say you are "isolated" (I don't know how far you're away from the nearest Baha'i community), I think it'd be worth the trip to at least regularly attend feasts and the sunday gatherings. Maybe your husband has lost inspiration because of this isolation? I think, to borrow a Baha'i principle, "bad" (i.e. drinking) is the absence of "good" (using that time to do "spiritual things"). Not that drinking makes one a bad person, but the action of destroying the mind that God has given is certainly unbefitting the noble station of man, especially after our eyes have been opened by the potent Words of Baha'u'llah.

Just my two cents' worth.

indiceatt

Postby indiceatt » Wed Feb 07, 2007 6:27 pm

Yes, I think that not being active has certainly played a part. When the kids were young, we made the effort to travel to children's classes and holy day celebrations. But as the kids got older, and our lives got busier, and my husband was gone more, we (and he in particular) connected less and less with other Baha'is. I've always wondered what it would be like to live in the midst of a Baha'i community. I'm sure it is very spiritually fulfilling.

I will make the effort take part in upcoming Baha'i gatherings. Even if my husband won't come, it should certainly help my attitude in dealing with the loss I've been feeling. Thanks for the input. It was great advice.

Jo

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Postby Baha'i Warrior » Thu Feb 08, 2007 2:10 am

Jo wrote:I will make the effort take part in upcoming Baha'i gatherings. Even if my husband won't come, it should certainly help my attitude in dealing with the loss I've been feeling. Thanks for the input. It was great advice.


Great! Let us know if that has a positive effect.

—BW

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Postby Jonah » Thu Feb 08, 2007 2:43 am

"You should ask him how much he drinks."

Jo, some advice from experience. The more badly he sees that you want to know what he's up to, I think the less likely he'll be to tell you. Is there a mutual friend whom he'd be more open with, whom you also have a good relationship with? (I think a lot of married couples have similar types of friends, and are at ease with each other's friends.) He knows your opinion is the most important, and so he'll probably be more open with someone else. Especially if you have a mutual friend who also has had similar experiences as your husband (ex-drug use, current alcohol use, etc.).

If you approved, your mutual friend could also promise confidentiality, i.e. agreeing not to tell you what your husband talked about. I think the point is seeing that he gets help, more than that you personally be the one to know all the details. I have no doubt he'd be willing to tell you all the details, like how frequently he drank, himself at some point in the future, during his healing process. Much easier to admit to past failings than present ones. :-)

-Jonah

indiceatt

Postby indiceatt » Thu Feb 08, 2007 6:36 pm

Thanks, Jonah, for your advice. I do feel that anytime I try to get him to talk about his decision to drink he gets very defensive and accuses me of being judgmental. (I am trying not to be judgmental but I don't think I am always successful.) It has never resulted in a productive conversation.

We do have a wonderful friend that we have both known for 30 years (in fact, he was friends with her before I met either of them). I think he might open up to her without feeling threatened. As you say, it doesn't so much matter that I know what is said but rather that someone who cares about him can listen to how he feels. I'll try that. Thanks.

Jo

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Postby Fadl » Sat Feb 10, 2007 10:57 pm

Dear Jo,

I am sorry to hear of your trouble, and I am glad that you thought to turn to the friends for advice. This must be very difficult for you.

Asside from the issues of Baha'i law, and him being a an adult with power to choose, there is also the the issue of your needs, and the responsibility you have to each other to have concern and be each others help mate.

Since drinking is not something that has been in your home together before, this makes me worry not only about how it affects your feelings about having a sanctuary from drugs and alcohol, it also makes me worry about him, as it could be an indication of problems.

I really think you should "seek competent physicians" and try and get some counseling together to work this out, and, maybe discover if some other issues with your husband aren't behind this. Perhaps your community can be there for you too if you need them, but that could also cause greater difficulties because it may raise the issue of Baha'i law, when what needs to be done now is get some professional help to solve the difference of opinion you two have over the alcohol, and to look after him and find out if he is having some other troubles or not.

Be strong and pray Jo. I wish you luck and hope God will give you the strength and courage to get through these troubles.


Loren

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Postby Dorumerosaer » Mon Feb 12, 2007 3:20 am

My suggestion is that you accept his decision to not be a Baha'i, and approach the matter purely from an alcohol point of view. I personally would start with Al-Anon meetings, the meetings for family members of alcoholics. This may help you to be a bit more detached about it.

At some point when you can approach him without criticizing him for leaving the Baha'i Faith, perhaps you will find a way to discuss with him your right to have an alcohol free home, and your expectation that you would. But I'd start with an Al Anon group meeting

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Re: alcohol in home

Postby Dorumerosaer » Mon Feb 12, 2007 7:41 am

>>I am grieving over the loss of my sanctuary of an alcohol-free home and yet feel that it is my husband's decision to choose when/where he drinks. I fear that I am being intolerant when it comes to his drinking. At other times, I feel upset that he doesn't respect my feelings about alcohol in our home.>>

Maybe one of these points will be useful to you. Take these as isolated thoughts; not all of them are consistent with one another, maybe one is useful and the rest are not.

-The benefit of your going to an Alanon group is that you get to share your thoughts with other people who live with alcoholic spouses, and they can give valuable feedback about how much is your problem and how much is his problem. They may help you to realize that some aspects of this, only he can deal with; and how best to sort this out.

However, sometimes they over react, and can take a fatalistic approach. I am not recommending that you do nothing.

You have to be careful, because not everything everyone in such a group says, is Gospel truth. But in general attendance helps, and reading their literature helps, in getting away from illusion and also avoiding judgmentalism. They can also recommend competent professionals in your area. They can also help provide feedback on whether he's an alcoholic or not.

- Fred described his wife's problem with his painting in the house. Is your real problem your husband's keeping alcohol in the house, and polluting your home environment; or is your real issue his drinking at all? Would you be happier if he drank at a tavern and came home; instead of keeping the alcohol in the house?

You mention your grieving at your loss, and I feel what you are saying; living with someone brings grieving of different kinds when we lose important things due to the choices they make. Sometimes the response is openly speaking about your loss and explaining how important this is to you; sometimes the best thing is to forgive him.

- Is your real problem that he's broken the marriage agreement you made at the beginning?

- Maybe the problem isn't the alcohol, it's the going back on his word. Or maybe he didn't make that agreement, but you did, and you're holding him to an expectation of yours that wasn't really an agreement.

- Another thing is, when dealing with a fault of your spouse, it is a good chance to take stock of your own shortcomings. Are there things he doesn't know about, that if he did, he would have the right to say "you didn't keep the bargain we made when we got married?" If so, then you can get off of your high horse, and approach this problem with humility. The Writings say that when we see another person's faults, we should take stock of our own; seeing a fault in another then becomes a kind of trigger for us to work on our own faults, which are the only ones we can really effectively work on anyway; and in this way, other people's faults help us to draw closer to our own true selves, and to God.

If you were the drunk, how would you want your husband to approach you?

- If you are going to force the issue of alcohol treatment, then you may need to make a family intervention. You would consult with alcohol professionals, and as accurately and dispassionately as possible, describe his alcohol consumption to them. They might recommend that the family, likely with an intervention specialist, confront him, and exert pressure in the proper way, for him to begin a treatment program. But if the intervention isn't done right, you can blow your chance.

- Have you looked in your phone book yellow pages under "addiction treatment" and "alcohol"? You might find valuable resources.

- Another possibility is that mostly what you are feeling is disappointment at his spiritual failure. He may be even more upset with himself than you are, with his distance from the Faith, and his turning to alcohol. Often, guilty people are extremely sensitive to their failure, and keenly aware of when they are being judged. You have to be careful, you can drive him further away.

- Are you open to him discussing your faults, in addition to your discussing his? Maybe you are; I'm just raising the possibility.

- If the real issue is his distance from the Faith, and that's what you really want to work on, then depending on his degree of alcohol use, you might see that the alcohol is a minor issue, and the real issue you want to work on is his faith. And that can be a very different matter. Look through Shoghi Effendi's letters to spouses on various matters, about praying for them; are you fervently praying for your husband? Saying the prayer for husbands can be an important resource:

"O God, my God! This Thy handmaid is calling upon Thee, trusting in Thee, turning her face unto Thee, imploring Thee to shed Thy heavenly bounties upon her, and to disclose unto her Thy spiritual mysteries, and to cast upon her the lights of Thy Godhead.
"O my Lord! Make the eyes of my husband to see. Rejoice Thou his heart with the light of the knowledge of Thee, draw Thou his mind unto Thy luminous beauty, cheer Thou his spirit by revealing unto him Thy manifest splendors.
"O my Lord! Lift Thou the veil from before his sight. Rain down Thy plenteous bounties upon him, intoxicate him with the wine of love for Thee, make him one of Thy angels whose feet walk upon this earth even as their souls are soaring through the high heavens. Cause him to become a brilliant lamp, shining out with the light of Thy wisdom in the midst of Thy people.
"Verily, Thou art the Precious, the Ever-Bestowing, the Open of Hand."
(Baha'i Prayers)

I remember two incidents told to me by an aged woman who had met Abdu'l-Baha on pilgrimage in 1920 and 21. The first is that May Maxwell, the mother of Ruhiyyih Khanum, said to the Master that she did not like her husband smoking, and would the Master talk with him and tell him to stop? The Master's response was, "He is a good man. Leave him alone."

The second instance was Dr. Florian Krug, husband of Grace Krug. Mrs. Krug was an ardent believer, and her husband was not a Baha'i when the Master came to the USA in 1912. He was jealous of her devoted Baha'i activity, and was unkind to his wife. The Master urged her to be devoted to him, and to meet his wishes. Gradually he came to recognize the station of the Master. You can read about this in The Diary of Juliet Thompson, very interesting.

The Krugs went on pilgrimage in 1920 and 21 when this woman did. They were very wealthy; they owned a hospital. She said that Dr. Krug needed to have a drink of alcohol to steady his hand before surgery. His wife approached the Master about his alcohol use. The Master's reply was that a glass of wine every day will do no harm to the human temple; but as Baha'u'llah has prohibited its use, it must be abandoned, and if humanity does not, then God would send droughts to dry up the vineyards.

In November 1921 the Master had sent away most of the pilgrims; of the western pilgrims, only the Krugs and the Boschs were present in the Holy Land. On the night of the Master's passing, the family ran across the street and down the hill to the old western pilgrim house and summoned Dr. Krug. He came to the house and he was the one who pronounced that the Master had ascended. He closed the Master's eyes.

I have often reflected on the fact that this was the last representative of the human race to gaze on the Master's eyes -- a drunk. It seems to me to be a sign of His love for humanity and His acceptance of humanity, even at its low point.

---

Maybe the right approach is to say nothing, and to increase your love for your husband, and work on yourself.

Maybe the right approach is to not mention the alcohol; to increase your own devotion as a Baha'i, and to get him back to praying and reading the Writings. Maybe start with something easy, like Portals to Freedom, which is very tender. You might consult with your Auxiliary Board member for Protection, because part of their mandate is to help with people's devotion and certitude. Possibly they would have advice about stimulating and restoring his faith. If the other Baha'is are too far away, check Christian bookstores; maybe they have resources for people whose spouse is, in their terms, "backsliding".

Maybe the right approach is to bring in a team, and professionally confront and intervene in your husband's alcohol use, and get him into a treatment program, maybe even a residential treatment program.

I think you would benefit from some in-person consultation, with Baha'is and with medical and alcohol professionals.

Brent

indiceatt

Postby indiceatt » Mon Feb 12, 2007 11:14 pm

“-The benefit of your going to an Alanon group is that you get to share your thoughts with other people who live with alcoholic spouses, and they "can give valuable feedback about how much is your problem and how much is his problem.”

As I said in an earlier post, I don't actually think he is an alcoholic, although that doesn't mean I couldn't get some benefit from speaking to an Alanon group.

" Is your real problem your husband's keeping alcohol in the house, and polluting your home environment; or is your real issue his drinking at all? Would you be happier if he drank at a tavern and came home; instead of keeping the alcohol in the house?"

I started out thinking it was just having the alcohol in the house that bothered me so much (and that is definitely the biggest issue I am struggling with). But I have realized that I'm affected negatively when he drinks when we go out to eat or at social gatherings. This is why I am starting to be more and more concerned that I am simply being intolerant about his choice. My husband would not go to a tavern just to drink, but no, I certainly wouldn't be happy if he did.

"- Is your real problem that he's broken the marriage agreement you made at the beginning?"

I'm sure that is part of the problem, although I think I am getting better about letting go of that.

"- Maybe the problem isn't the alcohol, it's the going back on his word. Or maybe he didn't make that agreement, but you did, and you're holding him to an expectation of yours that wasn't really an agreement."

We never talked about that issue before we got married. It was a non-issue as we were both practicing Baha'is and had a Baha'i wedding.

"- Another thing is, when dealing with a fault of your spouse, it is a good chance to take stock of your own shortcomings. Are there things he doesn't know about, that if he did, he would have the right to say "you didn't keep the bargain we made when we got married?" If so, then you can get off of your high horse, and approach this problem with humility. The Writings say that when we see another person's faults, we should take stock of our own; seeing a fault in another then becomes a kind of trigger for us to work on our own faults, which are the only ones we can really effectively work on anyway; and in this way, other people's faults help us to draw closer to our own true selves, and to God."

These comments were the hardest to read but hit the closest to home. I know that along with the disappointment I have felt about his choices, I also felt ashamed that I am not a better Baha'i, that I have periods when I don't pray everyday, that I haven't fasted during a couple of the Fasts . . . The one good thing that has come out of this is that I am turning more toward my faith instead of letting it "float". It is easy to find fault in others; it is harder to admit your own faults. I spent the first year or so after this all came about focusing only his faults and now I'm finally starting to look honestly at myself.

"If you were the drunk, how would you want your husband to approach you?"

I don't think he is a drunk, but if I were a drunk myself, I would want him to approach me.

"- If you are going to force the issue of alcohol treatment, then you may need to make a family intervention."

I do not think this is necessary. I don't like his drinking but I don't really think he has a problem.

"- Another possibility is that mostly what you are feeling is disappointment at his spiritual failure. He may be even more upset with himself than you are, with his distance from the Faith, and his turning to alcohol. Often, guilty people are extremely sensitive to their failure, and keenly aware of when they are being judged. You have to be careful, you can drive him further away."

I'm sure this is true. He has always been concerned about his health and spiritual growth. This choice doesn't make sense to me when I look at the things he has always held dear. And yes, he is very sensitive about whether I am judging him.

"- Are you open to him discussing your faults, in addition to your discussing his? Maybe you are; I'm just raising the possibility."

It is always hard to admit and hear about my faults, but I think I am open to discussing them. Unfortunately, our discussions on this topic are usually unproductive. We both can be very defensive and it is hard to really hear each other and help each other. We are actually going to a group intensive spiritual workshop this weekend - hopefully we'll be able to face some of our issues in a supportive, loving atmosphere and start to heal some of the wounds that distance us.

" Look through Shoghi Effendi's letters to spouses on various matters, about praying for them; are you fervently praying for your husband? "

Thank you for the prayer; I will use it.

Thank you for the stories about Abdu'l-Baha. They were very moving. I do think at times, "How would Abdu'l-Baha deal with this?" and know that I am not responding in a positive and loving way.

"Maybe the right approach is to say nothing, and to increase your love for your husband, and work on yourself."

This is great advice and the hardest to do. Thank you.

"Maybe the right approach is to not mention the alcohol; to increase your own devotion as a Baha'i, and to get him back to praying and reading the Writings. "

This may be your best advice. I have tried to refrain from mentioning the alcohol (in fact went about 9 months without discussing it), but then felt myself withdrawing and growing colder. But focusing on becoming a better, more deepened Baha'i can only help both of us. This is probably the path I need to focus on.

I am so appreciative of your thoughtful comments and suggestions. I can see how much time you put into your response to me. You, and others, have filled me with love and hope that we will find a way to work through this and be better for it. Thanks again.

Jo

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Postby Dorumerosaer » Tue Feb 13, 2007 1:16 am

>>The one good thing that has come out of this is that I am turning more toward my faith instead of letting it "float". It is easy to find fault in others; it is harder to admit your own faults.>>

One of the best resources I have found, for dealing with situations when we are aware of the faults of others, is a small compilation of Shoghi Effendi's letters "On the Baha'i Life" published as a pamphlet, and also available in the Compilations Section of http://www.bahai-library.com :

http://bahai-library.com/file.php5?file ... ns_living_
the_life&language=All

If that link breaks, try this one:
http://tinyurl.com/yovzjb

This is very practical advice from Shoghi Effendi, compiled by the Universal House of Justice, and a great remedy for the situation you are describing.

Brent


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